Looking out for number 1

I learned today that people that you don't expect to disappoint you, always will. I also learned that those who look out for Number One; only looks out for themselves and noone else. Yeah, I understand, sometimes you do have to look out for yourself, but there are other people that need your help. My semi first best friend when I moved to Louisville, wanted to move to Vegas since the first day I met him (that was almost 3 years ago). Well now, after very litte thought on his part, he wants to join a cruise ship. Alright, sounds goood, enjoy yourself, but call me, I will miss you! He keeps saying he has nothing Louisville to keep him there and that is honest crap. He has is Mom, Dad, Sister and Nephews, he has his best friends, he has a job. So why does he want to run away so bad? I don't know he won't tell me anything anymore. We use to just sit around and talk about nothing and everything, we watched each others backs.
So looking out for yourself.
There's really no reason to this blog at all. It's just the rant of leaving my best friends for the sole purpose of making my life a little better, to knowing that when I finally get back to Louisville a couple of them will leave or already be gone. I have one best friend left here in Ohio and Im thankful for that but I miss the ones that had given me reason to keep on going, keep on trying to go back to school, and to keep on hoping that things will get better.
I really guess my entire blog isnt as funny as I was hoping it would be, it's more sad and rants then anything else. Maybe it's because my life sucks right now, or maybe because I feel like I got the raw end of the deal... I dont know.

Any opinions? or shall I just go on my way? haha
Adios!

Seriously.

I dont say very much lately, for there isnt much to say. If I could find the words, I could tell you how much im feeling right now, how badly I want to be back in his arms, how I want people to accept my decisions right or wrong, how much I'm hating myself right now, and how much I'm still loving myself. I've learned if I want to express something find a song that says it all, sometimes you find that top 40's hit and sometimes its just classical, but it all says something. I think in music even and I dont know if that points to how musically inclined I am or if it's just the way I was created. I wish I could just say what I need to but I also learned to bottle it up and help others, not the best way to go about things but it is what I do. I finally find the one person who is starting to get me to open up and then I had to come back to Amherst and close up again. I dont express myself unless it's through music and I've noticed I enjoy that more than using words, but me, some one who is poetic and creative and enjoys the use of words, can't express what I feel, how ironic. Do we all keep part, if not all of it bottled up or are there actual people out there who can say how they feel. I know I can say whats on my mind and I'm the most insensitive person ever and I will tell you straight up what needs to be heard but at the same time I can't watch someone cry and not feel bad that I cant help or say something that will make them feel better. I want to be able to do that, I want to be able to say, "Hey God has a reason for doing what he did, so dont fret over it and things will work out in the end." but how can I say it if I dont believe it? Dont get me wrong I belive in God and I belive that he has a plan set out but I also believe in karma, so how do I say it's not your fault when it might actually be do to Karma. I'm so frustrated and I want to be able to just say it and get it over with but I'd rather worry and fret and freak out over every little thing. Ben once told me that I overreact about inconsequential things, things that I cant control. I like to be in control I dont want to be able to watch thing spiral out of control and I think thats why I dont let God take control, I'm afraid that something is going to happen that throws me out of groove. One more thing before I say C-Ya.
Why did God want Miss Chasity Marie home with him? AM I not going to be a good enough mother to take care of her or was he short an angel? I just want to know his reasoning. I know, I'll see her in heaven and I know that she will be our guardian angel but I would have liked to have my baby girl here with me. I'm not mad at God, absolutely not, just want to know why. That right there has been ruling my life for months and it frustrates me that I lost one thing that I would have loved more than anything in the world. So the inside of my head is slightly twisted and confusing but I get through it everyday and go on with it, but I wish someone could just answer my questions. there are to many for just me.

SO, Seriously? FML.

Isn't this the most darling picture you have ever seen??

This is my sister and I. We were born exactly 5 years and a day to the minute apart. We are also the best of friends.

This is one of my favorite definitions of sisters: Biochemistry. being one of an identical pair. (dictionary.com)

Then from Urbandictionary.com (and the only definition I actually like): your sister is the girl that will always be there for you and may save you one day, wether you know it or not. your sister may or may not be related to you and could just be an amazing friend, but either way your sister is always slow to judge and quick to forgive. she will always love you, she might just hide it from you.

Kelly, by the way for all you boys who think she's pretty, is 16 and well, completely off limits! I think her boyfriend would go a little nuts and blow the whole world up if anyone would hit on her. lol.

Anyways for now I must say 'See you on the flip side'...

AND I REALLY WANT A WICK'S PIZZA!!

Home.

It feels FANTASTIC-AL :) to be on that cusp of heading home! Ok, so I may have another month until that happens but I'm hoping that it is sooner than that, because Do I need to be loved on! Don't get me wrong I love my strange and fascinating, yet oh so annoying family, I love my church family, I love my home town and I love my best (girl) friend, Jaime, But no one here is going to help me out and Cleveland is one of the worst places to get a job at now a days. Also there is only one person I want to be getting my loving from but right now he is 300 MILES AWAY!

HOME=Louisville=Love

And, God, right now sex sounds like ice cream on a hot day, aka fabulous. haha. I am not just missing the sex, I'm also missing sleeping in, watching movies, cuddling (yes, I said it), going out to lunch, the flowers (hint, hint), and pretty much just enjoying the company. Everday it gets closer and I get a little more hyped for the occassion.

This week just keeps getting better, hope it stays that way.

.... Tell me about your week!

My Best Friend

I said I would save the stories about Kurk and I for a later date, and well, it's definantly a later date. :)
Here's some background on us:
-We have been best friends for years (since I was 2 days old)
-We had sleep overs, and pick-a-nicks.
-We've been in the same classes at church since we were both little things.
-My dad and his dad are close and have been for years before we were even thought about.
-My dad quit attending church, while his dad became deacon.
-There were bets, until last August, that we would end up marrying. He is now married and I am not.
-We were inseperable.
-We have got into so much trouble that people know about, and more that people don't.
-And we love to snap towels... until I get welted up and bleeding and he comes to church the next morning with two black eyes, claiming he ran into a doorknob (not just the door) twice.

Well, back in highschool Mr. Goodytwoshoes wasn't as good as everybody thought. We use to do alot of mischievious things when our parents' backs were turned. We've slept together (and I don't mean the buddy-buddy footie jammy party in this context) many times, we spent Valentine's day together... alone, we had long talks about the perfect opposite sex, I wrecked his truck for goodness sakes! We covered for each other when one of us got caught. We would sneak out of our respectable houses just to hang out at the beach or in his neck of the woods. We were crazy!
Now back in August he called me up two weeks before his wedding to tell me that he wanted me there... IT WAS IN NEBRASKA! I have nothing against any state but I'm a poor college student. Anyways, he called me and said 'I would love to have my best friend here, I will even pay for her plane ticket out.' I respectfully declined stating that I couldn't just up and leave for that weekend because I already had plans with the boyfriend. But my actual reasons were 1) His wife does not like me at all, not even a teensy-insy bit. 2) I didn't get an actual handwritten/typed invitation. I found out from his dad two weeks before he called me. 3) I couldn't show up and know that (at that point in time) I still had the slightest 3rd grade crush on him. So I declined the invite making us a grow apart a little bit more than we already did when he left for college.
Well in April, his sister's wedding came around. I got an invite, I even RSVPed to their mom, telling her that I didn't want Kate to know I was coming. I even spent time going through my closest for something respectable to wear, I had the date requested off, and I had the boyfriend going with me. So, we headed to my hometown and showed up at the wedding. Kurk was a groom's man, and very upset when he saw that I showed up for Kate's but wouldn't for his. At the reception I paid compliments to the people I had come to see and to the wedding party. I even complimented Kurk on his purple vest and tie, they looked great on him. He pulled me outside and berated me and tried to make me feel horrible about not going to his wedding, and that's when I told him that his wife and I had a mutual distaste for each other. Again, making our rift bigger. I hadn't talked to him again until end of July/beginning of August and he pretended like nothing happened. So now we're all brought up to the fight we had last Sunday, all because I wouldn't hug him.
I talked to him yesterday, and we talked like we use to, except we discussed that we valued our friendship more than we valued finding new friends. We decided that we will be new friends, as if we just met, and that the past is the past and there are no more awkward feelings between us. And for the first time in almost two years I hugged him like I was five again, and it felt great! Though I wonder how long this 'new friendship' will last for we seemed to always be fighting :)

And as my man Humphrey Bogart says in Casablanca, "Here's to the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
The week has started off good, hope it stays that way, and I wish you all a good beginning of the week that ends great!

Irish are drunks anyways...

I am loving this college football season! Wolverines are 2-0 and there may be one team that can stop us this year... possibly and it's not looking so good for MSU this year (1-1) though I can't say very much it is early on in the season.... Yeah, I'm a nerd, I know this.

It's been so hard for me to write anything lately, that I feel like my brain has gone on a hiatus. :(
Though today one of my close friends posted pictures from her trip to the Creation Museum in Kentucky. She is an atheist, I don't have an issue with them unless they are not willing to see my side of religion, which in this case she didn't. My other thing is I really dislike people who try to press what they believe on others. Like this for example: (I cant seem to get my uploader to worker. lol. Hold on!)

(Yay! I'm not a retard!)This picture was taken on I-71 in Ohio, between Columbus and Cincinnati, I believe. Ok, it makes you think, but this isn't the only sign sitting there. The other says 'Hell is near' or something along those lines. On the back of these two signs (as if you need more reason to hate people), is the ten commandments, as they were written in the King James version, ya know, Thou shall not... I hate that, it's like straight up propaganda for the Catholics. Now I know these signs were not put up by a Catholic church but by a "non-denominational, hard working, accepting" church of Christ, except there are no lesbains or gays (I realize that the Bible says that marriage is between man and woman, but acceptance is what I was talking about), there are no divorcees, there are no tattooed biker dudes (there are many biker dudes who believe in God), and most of all there are no teens, the younger generation, to make sure that the 'good' they do is carried on. The reason for this is because they are all 'God will smite the evil sinners!' God doesn't smite anyone anymore because He knows that He has the choice in the end of accepting them in Heaven or sending them on their way to Eternal Damnation! Why should God smite them when He can just write all their faults in the ledger and play them back on the 142,000 inch, flat screen when they request entrance into Heaven.

I don't understand why people put so much emphasis into one God when all religions are the same and the ones that aren't are the ones who have a deity for everything, and even then they have the same outline. Most religions (including Atheism) have the main deity or Godhead, Christians: Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. Wiccian: Nature or the Goddess Mother Earth. Neo-paganism: Goddess. Atheism: Their deity is knowledge, free will, whatever you would like to call it. Now, I have done my fair share of research on this subject, I have talked to people about their religion (without judgement), I have attended mass, and ceremonies of many of them, and I have gotten the same concept out of all of them, "The 'god' rules all, s/he is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient.'

Now that I have that off my chest (if only I could get rid of these double D's), please don't be upset with my post, and please comment back! Tell me why you believe what you believe or even what you believe. :) I'm sorry if it wasn't funny, or full of sexual innuendos, but I hope it made you think, at least a little bit. Question everything because everything has a question.

Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life

Now, this last week has been one crazy roller coaster of disaster, and when I say disaster that's exactly what I mean. My facebook includes my very respectful, non-intruding family... haha.. yeah right. No, my family is rude and abrasive. They rarely care that I have a rep to keep, that rep may not be much but I would like to keep it intact. My Uncle decided that he was just going to say that I'm lazy, don't listen to his advice, and other mean things that are very untrue: right there on my wall. He didn't even have the decency to write in a message!
Let's see I have plans tomorrow to watch the Michigan/Notre Dame game with one of my friends but I have to bail on that because my nephew has his first football game. My sister wont talk to me because I havent made it to any of her games (because Im broke).
So... anyways sorry about cutting it short, and not writing very much this week. It hasn't been a good one.

What's your opinion?

Do you have any idea why I woke up naked spooning my toaster?

The last blog was dated the wrong day. :T. It was from the 6th because I typed it on Sunday!

It's been one of those days. Ya know, the ones where you spend so much time avoiding someone, that you really don't feel like much good has happened to you.

Well, anyways, today was the annual Labor Day Ziegler's Pig Roast! An event that rival's any occassion! Like I said the other day, I wore my Famous Dave's t-shirt that read, "We serve no swine before its time" and everyone loved it. I got to enjoy the company of people I haven't seen in years and those that I see almost every Sunday, (old and young alike). I avoided my best guy friend (Kurk) like the plague and talked to my favorite 'adopted' grandparents. It was a buffet smorgasborg of freshly BBQ pork and potluck favorites!! And the desserts were phenominal as well as pretty.... wierd! (picture of my favorite dessert at the bottom).

The Ziegler's farm is acres of many planted fields and pig barns as far as they eye can see! It's the place that I hung out at when I was little and wanted company of something other than humans. It's where my first kiss happened, and the first time a boy told me I was beautiful. It's a land filled with memories, like when I jumped into the pond in the middle of February with the temperature of only 34 degrees! We use to swing in the hay barn and play in the pig pens as the piglets played at our feet. I've spent many a summer night, laying out on a blanket in the middle of the bean field, counting the stars with Kurk. It is in that same field, that I flipped Kurk's truck 3 times and we both walked away without a scratch. The corn fields are where Kurk and I use to take the younger kids at Halloween and tell them scary stories. The woods are where I, both went hunting and shot a deer for the first time. It is where I was taught to skin a deer, a pig, a rabbit, and a squirell. And where I first tried BBQ squirell. It is where the youth group spent many a night studying for a Bible competition into the wee hours of the morning. It is where I learned to drive my first car, and insemmenate a pig. It is where I got shoved against a wall by a 800 pound boar (male pig), where I got to see a mother pig give birth to it's babies, and where I got to toss said, babies out of the pen, to the guy on the otherside, like footballs.

I sat there today and just stared at my surrondings as all these memories and many more came flooding back into my mind. I realized that when I was upset, I had a place to go and cool off. When I was excited, I had a place that pulled me into its arms and rejoiced with me. And when all I wanted to do was cry, I had a place that would cry with me. The Ziegler's farm was a place that felt like home, it was an extension to my family, and it always will be. I also realized that this farm was where I found my faith and where I learned just who I was. It is home.

Kurk and I are falling apart, and not just in distance. We were at one time, insepreable. Now we are avoiding each other, tip-toeing around our issues, and not even speaking at points in time. I sat on the edge of the pond today, taking in the country air, and tried to figure out how to fix my best friend. I couldn't come up with anything except, friendships fall apart, sometimes for no reason at all. As I sat there, all I could think about was how I wanted Kurk to be sitting next to me bull shitting about life and try to decide who we wanted on our soccer team at the Pig Roast. I wanted to be able to hug him and know that we weren't falling away from each other, that we were still the best friends we have always been, and that later tonight we would be laying on a blanket staring at the stars. Yet, part of me knew that even if I wished as hard as I could I couldn't change the present.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and knew that I had come home to a place that was familiar to me even if I was feeling for my friends, family, and my love. It settled me into a sense of calm, that if only for a moment made me think I could take on the entire world and not back down. I was invincible. The moment passed quickly and I was back to my worrying, neurotic self, but there was something left behind. The moment left the strength to face another person, another day, behind to help me when it seemed like all is lost! And man, did that strength feel good. So I have decided that when Sunday comes, I will sit Kurk down and tell him that I can't do this anymore, that I need my best friend back, and that our diffrences will never matter because I have the strength to say no to him, and to be able to hug him without consequences. I don't harbor any more feelings for him, none at all, and I haven't for quite some time now. It just took time to realize that the love I feel for him is pure friendship and always has been.

I just pray that this strength will not leave and it will help me get back to the one I truely love and can't live without by my side. That it will be there when I am in the hospitol, telling Patrick it is all his fault that I am in so much pain from child birth, and that it is still there the first time I have to discipline our child.
But for now, on to tomorrow!! Bring it on!!

As for the title of this blog... well there really is no connection to it. It just catches the attention! haha

(As My neice called them, Pig Cakes!)

Elvis has left the building....

or he's just in Vegas playing the slot machines.... Y'all know how mysterious Elvis can be. :)

So, I've realized its been an adventourous weekend to say the least. I spent Friday doing nothing really, but Saturday was busy. We went and visited my brother's big sister who he hasnt seen in 3o years. (My brother is my half brother, I consider him full brother, and his big sister is his half sister.) We drove about 2 hours to her house out in tourist central, Ohio (for any of you Michaganders, or the likes, She's lives in Geneva on the Lake...). I was actually glad I went along on this little joy ride because she is good people. My brother was so excited, I thought he was going to puke, but everything went off without any projectile vomit or the likes. Now my brother's step brother is, in no way related to me at all, and decided that I was good enough to hit on... I have lived in L'Ville for 3 years and even I thought that was a little weird. That's like going to a family reunion to pick out your new wife! Anyways, So I was this man's target for the night, but I will give you a couple reasons why he got the cold shoulder and disgusted looks.

1) Not my type... I don't have a problem with chunky/large/obese/fat people, but I just don't date them.
2) He's 42! Old enough to be my father.
3) His entire top set of front teeth was missing.
4) He had a lack of intelligence.
5) He was the epitome of 'White Trash Redneck'
6) He was creepy weird... Not just weird, not just creepy... CREEPY WEIRD!
7) He has two kids that are like 6 or 7 and they are 3 months apart... he doesn't even have the decency of being loyal.
8) and I'm honestly in love with Patrick.

That list is only partial reasons. If you could see this guy, you would turn him down too! Oh, and one more good reason: His name is Demetrius: He's half white, mixed with something that makes him tan really really dark... Not that I'm racist, I just have my sheltered box of requirements. Anyways, Deanne was cool, her and her recent husband are 12 and 1/2 years apart and they are happily in love. Just that gives me hope for the future of Patrick and I. Deanne's daughter just graduated high school and she has the most amazing voice ever. She tried out for American Idol last year but got declined. :( At least, she tried.
It made me realize that, though me and my sister are family to my brother that he needs the other part too. It also made me realize that Deanne, Frank, and I, all have something in common. I have a boyfriend thats 12 years older, Frank is with my sister-in-law, who is, like, 8 years older, and Deanne has Jared who is younger by 12 years.

It was a very, very weird Saturday!

Today, (Sunday), I went to church, got in a huge fight with my best friend from growing up, about reasons behind why I won't hug him (I'll save those reasons for another day), got in a spat with the preacher. I really don't like him, he is good but he directs his sermons as if he was a televangilist. I got many needed hugs from the grandparents of the teen group, and then came home to an empty house and took a nap. :) When I woke up I kept thinking, well, I think I'm just gunna chill at the house and watch movies, possibly get some reading done (like every other day of the week) but boy, was I wrong! I ended up hanging out with my best friend (since 7th grade) and we played Wii and just talked. So that ends tonight, and tomorrow I have a pig roast!!! Wohoo!! And as I told the Organic Meatbag, "You always need to wear shirts that make you smile." Well, My shirt tomorrow says, and I qoute, "We serve no swine before its time."

So now I must say Adieu, ADIEU!, and get the heck outta here.
Later y'all!!

Like sands through an hour glass, so are the days of our lives.

Life is precious, we shouldn't fight over something as stupid as who has the remote control or even who has control over what country. I will not hurt the emotions of or harm another living soul... unless it's college football season.

Well since it is that time again, first games of the season are played this weekend, I must say, I do not disagree on who's team is better, I do not care if you rooted for one team last year and another this, I rarely see the issue in being friends with someone who likes your team's rivalry. I will tell you flat out, I am not a fair weather fan. I don't care if my team lost to their rival 5 years in a row, I don't care if we are only #6 in the Big Ten (I am actually not sure what standing they are in yet..)! I care if they play from their heart, they played a good game, played fair and at least scored some.

Now, that's said, I am a Michigan Wolverine until I die. Noone will stop me! Mwahahaha!

But I will also add this; my House is divided. Patrick is a Michigan State fan, and we all know (if you know the big ten, at least) MSU and Michigan are a big in-state rivalry. Whoopdedoo! Some of my best friends are Ohio State fans, and yes, Michigan has had their asses handed to them for the last 5 years but I feel a change in the wind coming! It's all friendly arguing and game day hype, that makes our friendship stronger. With friends you never want someone who always agrees with you, right?
So, who's going to kick some Scarlet ass this year? GO BLUE!!! wohoo!! College Football season, here I come.

Hurray! I'm for the other team!

Now I don't know how many people remember School House Rock, but I got to remember the show today and boy, was I surprised what I remembered when they started! It's been a good 8 years, since I even saw the play that the local playhouse put on based on the show. I have decided my kids will end up watching this!!! So to remind those of an awesome TV show from 1972, Im going to include a video!! yay!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYzGLzFuwxI


I can't really figure out how to post a video :(.... so instead here's a the link I wanted!

<3 Rufus Xavier Sasparilla!! haha

Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my belly button?

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