Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I dont say very much lately, for there isnt much to say. If I could find the words, I could tell you how much im feeling right now, how badly I want to be back in his arms, how I want people to accept my decisions right or wrong, how much I'm hating myself right now, and how much I'm still loving myself. I've learned if I want to express something find a song that says it all, sometimes you find that top 40's hit and sometimes its just classical, but it all says something. I think in music even and I dont know if that points to how musically inclined I am or if it's just the way I was created. I wish I could just say what I need to but I also learned to bottle it up and help others, not the best way to go about things but it is what I do. I finally find the one person who is starting to get me to open up and then I had to come back to Amherst and close up again. I dont express myself unless it's through music and I've noticed I enjoy that more than using words, but me, some one who is poetic and creative and enjoys the use of words, can't express what I feel, how ironic. Do we all keep part, if not all of it bottled up or are there actual people out there who can say how they feel. I know I can say whats on my mind and I'm the most insensitive person ever and I will tell you straight up what needs to be heard but at the same time I can't watch someone cry and not feel bad that I cant help or say something that will make them feel better. I want to be able to do that, I want to be able to say, "Hey God has a reason for doing what he did, so dont fret over it and things will work out in the end." but how can I say it if I dont believe it? Dont get me wrong I belive in God and I belive that he has a plan set out but I also believe in karma, so how do I say it's not your fault when it might actually be do to Karma. I'm so frustrated and I want to be able to just say it and get it over with but I'd rather worry and fret and freak out over every little thing. Ben once told me that I overreact about inconsequential things, things that I cant control. I like to be in control I dont want to be able to watch thing spiral out of control and I think thats why I dont let God take control, I'm afraid that something is going to happen that throws me out of groove. One more thing before I say C-Ya.
Why did God want Miss Chasity Marie home with him? AM I not going to be a good enough mother to take care of her or was he short an angel? I just want to know his reasoning. I know, I'll see her in heaven and I know that she will be our guardian angel but I would have liked to have my baby girl here with me. I'm not mad at God, absolutely not, just want to know why. That right there has been ruling my life for months and it frustrates me that I lost one thing that I would have loved more than anything in the world. So the inside of my head is slightly twisted and confusing but I get through it everyday and go on with it, but I wish someone could just answer my questions. there are to many for just me.

SO, Seriously? FML.

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