It's been one of those days. Ya know, the ones where you spend so much time avoiding someone, that you really don't feel like much good has happened to you.
Well, anyways, today was the annual Labor Day Ziegler's Pig Roast! An event that rival's any occassion! Like I said the other day, I wore my Famous Dave's t-shirt that read, "We serve no swine before its time" and everyone loved it. I got to enjoy the company of people I haven't seen in years and those that I see almost every Sunday, (old and young alike). I avoided my best guy friend (Kurk) like the plague and talked to my favorite 'adopted' grandparents. It was a buffet smorgasborg of freshly BBQ pork and potluck favorites!! And the desserts were phenominal as well as pretty.... wierd! (picture of my favorite dessert at the bottom).
The Ziegler's farm is acres of many planted fields and pig barns as far as they eye can see! It's the place that I hung out at when I was little and wanted company of something other than humans. It's where my first kiss happened, and the first time a boy told me I was beautiful. It's a land filled with memories, like when I jumped into the pond in the middle of February with the temperature of only 34 degrees! We use to swing in the hay barn and play in the pig pens as the piglets played at our feet. I've spent many a summer night, laying out on a blanket in the middle of the bean field, counting the stars with Kurk. It is in that same field, that I flipped Kurk's truck 3 times and we both walked away without a scratch. The corn fields are where Kurk and I use to take the younger kids at Halloween and tell them scary stories. The woods are where I, both went hunting and shot a deer for the first time. It is where I was taught to skin a deer, a pig, a rabbit, and a squirell. And where I first tried BBQ squirell. It is where the youth group spent many a night studying for a Bible competition into the wee hours of the morning. It is where I learned to drive my first car, and insemmenate a pig. It is where I got shoved against a wall by a 800 pound boar (male pig), where I got to see a mother pig give birth to it's babies, and where I got to toss said, babies out of the pen, to the guy on the otherside, like footballs.
I sat there today and just stared at my surrondings as all these memories and many more came flooding back into my mind. I realized that when I was upset, I had a place to go and cool off. When I was excited, I had a place that pulled me into its arms and rejoiced with me. And when all I wanted to do was cry, I had a place that would cry with me. The Ziegler's farm was a place that felt like home, it was an extension to my family, and it always will be. I also realized that this farm was where I found my faith and where I learned just who I was. It is home.
Kurk and I are falling apart, and not just in distance. We were at one time, insepreable. Now we are avoiding each other, tip-toeing around our issues, and not even speaking at points in time. I sat on the edge of the pond today, taking in the country air, and tried to figure out how to fix my best friend. I couldn't come up with anything except, friendships fall apart, sometimes for no reason at all. As I sat there, all I could think about was how I wanted Kurk to be sitting next to me bull shitting about life and try to decide who we wanted on our soccer team at the Pig Roast. I wanted to be able to hug him and know that we weren't falling away from each other, that we were still the best friends we have always been, and that later tonight we would be laying on a blanket staring at the stars. Yet, part of me knew that even if I wished as hard as I could I couldn't change the present.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and knew that I had come home to a place that was familiar to me even if I was feeling for my friends, family, and my love. It settled me into a sense of calm, that if only for a moment made me think I could take on the entire world and not back down. I was invincible. The moment passed quickly and I was back to my worrying, neurotic self, but there was something left behind. The moment left the strength to face another person, another day, behind to help me when it seemed like all is lost! And man, did that strength feel good. So I have decided that when Sunday comes, I will sit Kurk down and tell him that I can't do this anymore, that I need my best friend back, and that our diffrences will never matter because I have the strength to say no to him, and to be able to hug him without consequences. I don't harbor any more feelings for him, none at all, and I haven't for quite some time now. It just took time to realize that the love I feel for him is pure friendship and always has been.
I just pray that this strength will not leave and it will help me get back to the one I truely love and can't live without by my side. That it will be there when I am in the hospitol, telling Patrick it is all his fault that I am in so much pain from child birth, and that it is still there the first time I have to discipline our child.
But for now, on to tomorrow!! Bring it on!!
As for the title of this blog... well there really is no connection to it. It just catches the attention! haha
(As My neice called them, Pig Cakes!)